Melancholy Memories
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Remember remember the month of November...
Obtained this rhyme from Disney Channel's advertising for Hannah Montana. But somehow, it has a deeper meaning than that.
The month of November is for remembering our loved ones that have passed away. I was debating with myself, whether or not to bring this up. Because I know many tears may flow when our memories are once again triggered. But I have to apologise for my selfishness. I am currently feeling melancholy and I need to vent it out.
The first passing away of a loved one for me occurred when I was 11. I was ignorant, stupid and childish so of course I didn't actually know what was going on. May 2002 - GongGong, beloved grandfather passed away due to liver cancer. (I had even thought it was lung cancer at that time, leading me to cry whenever I read about Lung Cancer in NZ.)
I remember that one early morning, Daddy drove Mummy, Jas, Veep and I to Miri and as we pulled up to the hospital approximately 3 hours later, I saw Teoteo gesturing to us to show us the parking. He told us to hurry up... as time is thinning out.
I remember we had to run all the way to GongGong's ward, up the long ramp, stairs, past people and finally bursting into the room. Just outside, stood most cousins, who were crying. As we stepped into the room, my first view was Mama sitting next to GongGong, who was lying on his bed and eyes closed, holding his hands and crying.
I remember Yiyi pushing me forward.. "Say goodbye to GongGong, he can hear you... quick, say goodbye.." At that moment I started to bawl. I touched GongGong's wrinkled hands... I don't understand what is going on. Mummy and Daddy began to cry... Jas and Veep each took their turns to step forwards and stood next to him.
I remember tissues being given to me. I remember Ning Jie pulling me outside the room, leaving the adults inside the ward, whilst us kids stood outside crying. Ning jie wiped my tears away using a roughened tissue, and my eyes hurt so much.
I remember being back at the police quarters where Lynthia and family lived, and Group C girls were inside the house playing. I remember Lynthia, Ah Ning and I stood outside acting out a scene, playing and laughing. Then LynnWei jiejie and the rest of Group A came home. One thing I remembered so well is when Lynn Wei jiejie said, "Why are you three out here playing around? Don't you know we are all mourning?"
At that moment, the three of us went into the house and sat there quietly. We were really silent.
Funeral. It was my first time seeing Ah Wei cry so much. As well as the adults. It scared me so much. We walked around, the last time to look at GongGong. I just remembered the tears really clearly.
After moving to NZ, before long, we found out that 3rd Pepe, my beloved uncle on my dad's side, also has liver cancer. (At that time, I thought it was lung cancer again) I remember the last time we spent with him. He, together with Mumu, my aunt, drove my sisters and I from Miri to Bintulu. We stopped by Batu Niah for a toilet break and he offered to buy us sweets. He bought us Char Siu Pao as well and made the journey home for us really comfortable.
Pepe lived with us, and would sometimes give us a ride to wherever in his Mercedes. He brought along Snow White, who is the mother of Brownie and Snowie - of course, the father is Ranger!! :)
Pepe passed away in less than a year after we moved to NZ. I had remembered how we kept asking him and mumu to visit us in NZ. But we never even got the chance to say goodbye.
I remember the phone call daddy made to us in Nz from Malaysia, I was talking to him on the phone and daddy said Pepe had passed away. Daddy's voice sounded hoarse and sad and after that I ran into my room and hid under my table crying my eyes out.
I remember everytime Jas mention how Pepe was so nice to us and how we are going to miss him, I would burst into tears, I would hide in the toilet or in my bedroom crying and crying.
But the biggest loss of all, which affected me most was the recent, if not quite some time ago, passing of our most beloved grandmother, Mama. It's almost 2 years now - almost. But none of us have really grasped the reality that is trying to sink in. I don't know how to express myself when it comes to this. A single sentence from LynnXuan Jiejie's blog about Mama would bring tears to my eyes. And I know this isn't going to help her feel better if she reads this.
But the text in the morning of April 14th/15th gave me a sinking feeling. I remember clearly that as I passed on the message to Daddy to ask him to call Yiyi's house, I kept chanting a prayer in my head. Please let everything be okay. I sat next to Daddy while he was on the phone, Veep was still asleep. I heard him saying, "And you were all there with her?" So I started making up an image that in fact it was Mama suddenly waking up and laughing and said, "I'm okay I'm okay, sorry for worrying you all.." but I know it wasn't the case. I heard the word funeral.
And my heart stopped.
I ran up into my room and dived undercovers. I covered my ears, my voice within my head screamed No No No! Daddy came up into my room, and asked if I knew already. He confirmed my worst fear and the rest were just teary blurs.
I really didn't want Mama to suffer, but I really wanted her to survive the pain and live painlessly. I never got the chance to say goodbye, I never got the chance to speak to her properly. I tried my best to recall what was the last thing I had said to her. I tried to remember what I have done for her to make her happy? To put a smile on her face? I was never really close to her as my other cousins were but ....she is Mama.
Argh. I can just imagine my friends calling me "Emo!!!" :) But I guess I needed to cry out like this - it's just another way to heal. We were given the chance to place names of our loved ones who had passed away into the rememberance book in school, and I have entered my 3 loved grandpa, grandma and uncle.
I wished I had known grandpa and grandma on Daddy's side, as well as gotten to know GongGong and Mama more.
But. When they are gone. I miss them.
Current mood: sniffy sniffy emo (hahahha)
Currently listening to: Qing Hua Ci - Jay Chou
Mama loves Jay too!Labels: deep thoughts, family, goodbye, memories
4 comments:
-
I am washed in tears now as I read your post. The memories all coming gushing back to me now. It's hard for us to let go the people we love sometimes.
-
emo isnt about being sad becoz someone beloved isnt there anymore. Emo is more like...sad because the sky is blue, sad because they found 10 dollars or stuff like that. people come and go. that's life. there's nothing we mere humans to stop this nature. and dun feel that you didnt do enough for your beloved ones. i know for sure of the 1 thing you had done to make them happy: your existence. just look at the pic when they were carrying you as a baby, and you'll know what i say is true. what you can do now is to spend more time with your other beloved ones before it's too late.
my grandpa passed away when i was 14. that time, it was before christmas. 2 days before christmas, actually. that night, my dad called from the hospital, and asked for my mum in a sobby voice. i called my mum who was upstairs, but i din let down the phone. eavesdropping you may call it :P, i hear the news straight from my dad. actually, i din cry until the funeral itself. the last moment, before the coffin was sealed is the saddest, knowing that this is the last time seeing him. And the sad songs by the church members din help either >(.
of course we keep memories of them in our heart. But good ones, of coz. when you think of them, dont think that "oh, they are not here oredi", but instead think of good things you remember about them. I missed my grandmpa's vinegar duck. whenever there's a big occasion, there will surely be a big bowl of vinegar ducks with lots of other food. And also i remember how my brother looks like my grandpa when he was small and chubby, plus the similar hairstyle back then.
so...yea, remember them about stuff you like about them. i think they would prefer that too, right?
-
kekeke...was i so garang when i asked u all to go in becoz we were mourning? haha...opps! didnt know i was tat garang!!
my tears are overflowing now also!!
i could remember clearly the day when gonggong passed away too..but i really praise God because he was baptised just 2 days before. so, we can rejoice that he is with God now and we can meet with him next time!!
i didnt manage to say goodbye to mama too and i dont know if she did suffer or not...and i didnt dare to think about it......if only i would be at home, maybe things would be different!! but also we rejoice that mama accepted Christ and we can have the assurance that we will see her again in Heaven!
-
I feel for you when I read this post. I know what it's like sometimes you want to let all emotions and feelings out and by doing so it makes you feel better, than keeping everything inside because one day you may just burst and that's not that great. Besides I think it's good to share your feelings with people you are close to. This post was full of emotion -I hope you are feeling better now :) Don't be sad :)
pyroboy1911
I am washed in tears now as I read your post. The memories all coming gushing back to me now. It's hard for us to let go the people we love sometimes.